I introduced the lovely and talented Jane a short while ago when she shared her vegan chilli recipe with us. It was actually this parenting article which gave me the idea to ask her to write a guest blog post; she wrote it to encourage her friends on facebook but I think it definitely deserves to be shared more widely. Please do share it with parents who you know are doing a good job, we so often feel judged negatively that we could do with a little encouragement!
So this past couple of weeks there has been an upsurge in the number of wildly overblown, emotive and derisory anti-parent fodder on Facebook and it’s beginning to drive me a little bit insane. Apparently modern parents are lazy, digitally distracted, lacking in the skills of a disciplinarian and all for an easy life as regards parenting. We are presented with black and white photos of crying children needing more from momma or graphics showing a huge phone dominating a lounge featuring sad children wanting daddy to play with them. In the same diatribes our generation’s failings are allegedly connected with the large incline in mental health problems and diagnoses of ADHD in the future generation.
So a few points to raise, factual and non confrontational, as counter arguments; The average loan to value percentage for a couple buying their first home is a whopping 82%. with the necessity to save a substantial amount for a deposit. Steps up the property ladder as families expand see mortgages soar past £200K and pretty much everyone, first time buyer or not, parent or not, is paying between £700-£1,000 per month for a mortgage and a similar amount for private rents per month. Most families now have both parents working around 37-40 hours a week and often running two cars due to the necessity to commute to find the right job. We are paying for the food, clothes and hobbies of our children. Debt is at an all time high and costs are rising all the time, particularly with the uncertainty of what will transpire economically and politically.
Fundamentally, it’s not an easy time to raise kids and despite all the accusations of lazy parenting and digital distraction lets have a think about these phenomena and re-frame these ideas in light of the above points. So full time working parents doing long hours and commuting long distances probably don’t have as much time to enjoy their kids as much as they would like to and part time workers are cramming vast amounts of work into shorter hours to prove their worth against a backdrop of sneering colleagues who envy their 2pm finishes. Those who run their own business throw heart and soul into trying to guarantee a regular and healthy income and though often working from home don’t get to benefit from the home life they are trying to sustain. We’re up against it aren’t we??
Parents are hard working human beings who have to plot hobbies and associated tournaments/exams, sports days, nativities, birthday parties, school trips. We also have to deal with unexpected illnesses and hospital trips, broken boilers, car problems and save for Christmas and birthdays. This factor hasn’t really changed to be honest over the years but what has is that because of both parents generally having to work long hours there is a very short window of time left to both accomplish the raising of healthy and well rounded children as per guide books and forums, and also the need to see our own friends and family and keep our minds healthy too.
There is constant “noise” from parenting forums, the guide books, the health visitors and the opinions of all and sundry on how we should be accomplishing this crucial task of shaping and nurturing a human and it is very bewildering and constant. It also makes it so hard to feel 100% confident in what you are doing, leading to further self-doubt.
The importance of modern parents keeping in contact with their own friends and family, the wind beneath their wings, cannot be underestimated. Especially when you think about the stress and exhaustion issues around modern parenting. Furthermore, the importance of parents having time for each other cannot be underestimated. Mental health problems in adults are rising as well as children because we are all depleted and struggling to cope.
And has ADHD really risen that dramatically in kids or was it simply not diagnosed back in the day? Were the kids labelled as “the naughty ones” and simply put in life’s Room 101? ADHD is real, it’s not a label, and physiologically the brain of a person with ADHD differs in structure and make up. It’s no-one’s “fault” and maybe statistics on this incline are not reliable because of the former lack of care and diagnosis.
As for the bad press single parents get, don’t get me started. For whoever reads this raising kids on their own I take my hat off to you, truly, because you are warriors.
Digitally distracted? To have a look at Facebook is sometimes the only time we can connect with our friends and see what they are up to, drop them a quick message and check all is well with them. It may not always be as meaningful a connection as a night out or a coffee with them but with busy diaries sometimes it is the only way. Those who love you the most will find the time for you no matter what and I am embracing the big night in these days rather than the big night out now haha! It takes weeks to find a date where all concerned are available but we get there.
When I look around and think of all my friends and acquaintances I see parents setting good examples of the work ethic, showing how you get what you want through graft and effort alone. I see parents encouraging their children to enjoy hobbies and taking them to wonderful museums, theatres, big green spaces, foreign climes and expanding their minds with these efforts. I see parents who work long hours standing on the sidelines of a football pitch through winter for more hours at the weekend when they could be relaxing!!!
For those on lower incomes just the simple things have to be enough, and those like us on a single income plus a smidge from the cakes try to find out about the free stuff and seek out the vouchers, which takes commitment and skill to find haha! My kids have visited some wonderful places though, climbed a thousand trees, swam in open waters, enjoyed roaring fires in cottages, and tried all sorts of everything from a hobby perspective and never at a great cost. But however and whatever parents are doing I see in my friendship circle that they are doing it universally well, with the greatest love and commitment. I want to say to you that if you ever doubt yourself when reading these derisory posts, to challenge your self-doubt and think about what you have done that has made your child smile and all that you have achieved on life’s hardest but most rewarding journey. I can assure you that just being there for them, in a warm environment, with a decent meal and the example of a parent or parents who work hard and love them immeasurably is enough. You are enough.
Thanks again Jane, I needed that bit of encouragement!